In which I learn to write (and stare blankly into space)

“Try? Do, or do not. There is no try.” - Yoda

I’ve scribbled in notebooks for many years. My approach has always been confessional and while strictly non-ficton, my notes certainly hold a great deal of fiction-friendly meat. I am trying to write because I felt it made sense and because feedback over the years kept pulling me in this direction. It has just been a matter of sitting down and getting it all out on paper for others to enjoy. Thousands of others feel this impulse. Thousands struggle with it. Good to have company, I suppose.

I had imagined coming to Copenhagen so that I could move away from my distractions and find a place to be still and finally flush out the lives in my mind. Meanwhile, so much here has added to my basket of experience and ideas. How does one write about life while also blocking it out to work? I meditate on this conundrum every day.

So I’ve put myself in the chair for days on end in an attempt to 'find' my process. It’s a discipline much like any other discipline wherein you start and fumble and restart then eventually, with perseverance, find your rhythm and it gets to become second nature and it flows. I really hope this is the case anyway! While some writers outline every detail before writing a word of the main story, others speak of their inability to do this (as it always changes anyway) and rely upon a more organic process wherein their characters just speak and the sense comes out later down the line. Playwright and screenwriter Christopher Hampton says that he rarely knows what the piece is actually about until two thirds of the way in. I’m defaulting to this way of thinking as I find I cannot yet grasp the full rounded picture of what my finished product is to look like, meanwhile having so many stories I want to incorporate and new ideas hitting me all the time. I am aiming for a book, but with a theatrical background, I think often of writing a play/screenplay and would love to see my story brought to life in that way, if possible. “One thing at a time”, says the preternaturally calm voice in my head (is that you, Morgan Freeman?). “Just start with one thing.”

As long as there is truth to the writing it will hold drama. At least, that’s my thinking. I'm sticking to the old adage 'write about what you know', gravitating towards the simple, yet profound (as is my way). I’m finding the hard part is revisiting places that I’m not necessarily keen to go back to and I’m working to plough through the anguish which comes with regurgitating the past. The other day, I was thinking about highschool which, while pleasant enough at the time, is just a place I do not want to go back to emotionally (does anyone!?!) I want to share what I have seen though, and there is only one way to get there at the moment, for this novice anyway, and that is straight through the middle. Hooooo-ahh!

So I will continue to work at it, learning as I go. Meanwhile, I’m trying to spend as little amount of time staring at my screen and peeking at Facebook when I need distraction, a.k.a. procrastinating. I am finding it difficult shutting out the world, but it is necessary at the moment. When you're working it's hard to fit in food and housekeeping (let alone homework from danish class!!). Sure, Kerouac wrote On the Road in three weeks continuous on a long scroll of paper, but someone else was there to feed him, even if it was only pea soup.

But I digress. “Surely, this can’t be that hard”, she said with a wink and fetched herself another cup of tea.

Random Girl

Connecting, reconnecting and disconnecting

Back in Copenhagen after a four day whirlwind visit to London, or as some might see it, a holiday from my ‘holiday’. Being someone who has taken a year off from her job to live in another country, it’s easy for me to understand how much this might seem to some like a lark. I’m a girl with time to do what I please and nothing but freedom to pursue. Four and a half months in, I can say first hand that, while this is a break from the ‘routine’, this isn’t a holiday. Call it an experiment, or a lifestyle change, but it isn’t a holiday. It is what it was meant to be – a series of challenges in search of what is new, what is old and what will always be the same.

I went back to London for a number of reasons, but predominantly because the upheaval of the last month or so had begun to blur my vision of what made me come here. I had been overwhelmed by a series of domestic circumstances which temporarily derailed my main intention. So instead of having the peace to reflect and meditate and write, I was spending a considerable chunk of my time and energy on logistics, which involved people management, moving and money, as well as copious amounts of anxiety enhanced by a fresh phase of acclimatising only after four months of my initial arrival. Imagine falling off the first rung of the ladder and managing to break your leg in doing so, meanwhile knowing how much effort you put into getting on that first rung. That’s close to how I felt.

Such affairs are practical and immediate. They must be dealt with before the rest can follow and my circumstance had universally been viewed simply as ‘bad luck’. As it was, I had lost my sense of 'home' and was potentially facing the loss of funds I had worked so hard to acquire in preparation for this adventure. In the bigger picture, of course, such things hold little consequence when I have so many things to be grateful for. But being a newbie with limited means with which to buffer myself, I felt the most vulnerable I had since arriving.

Now, it seems the air is slowly clearing. What a relief! In trying to deal with the situation at hand with dignity, I found there were times when I felt quite lost as to my sense of place and connection to the greater world beyond my small Danish bubble. I wanted to close a chapter that I had only just begun, but it was feeling as though that one chapter was my only one for being so unsettling and isolating to boot. Of course, it is not all there has been to Copenhagen life, but an unsettled home life hangs like a cloud over everything else and my anxious state meant even some of my closest people started to look at me differently, further adding to my sense of feeling adrift.

So when the world around me was starting to tip too far in one direction, I went back to a place where things were still in balance in order to reconnect with the rest of my life. I made appointments with friends with whom I stayed up late chatting and visited my old haunts. I saw many familiar faces and people who readily embraced the opportunity to connect after our time apart. I was remembered and recognised beyond just a person who had gone through a bad patch. If anything, I went to see those who know me as a survivor. It served to remind me of the greater world I navigate within and rejuvenated my sense of perspective, both on who I am and why I came here, for while I had a great time seeing my friends, I was also reminded of what made me move in the first place.

I have returned with a fresh mind and a fuller heart having seen again from the outside, the challenge I set for myself in coming here and the comforts I sacrificed in doing so. I also see that I am the only one who can fully gauge the value all of this is bringing to my life. That no matter what others might see or say about what it is that I do or how I do it, that I know that what I am gaining is applicable and sacred to me and me alone. Maya Angelou wrote: “without courage you can’t practise any other virtue consistently.” I hear that. I know what I am doing is something that is actually hard for me to do. That’s all I need to know.

This last period has also informed my perspective as to when to disconnect. There are many places I can call home, and yet I live away from one or another every day. I try to nurture all my connections in equal measure, for better or for worse. My efforts have not been without consequences, albeit, all my own. With my run of ‘bad luck’ almost behind me, I am reminded that there are times to connect and times to disconnect, be it physically, psychologically or emotionally. Such is the plight of the free-spirited. Sometimes this is easy, sometimes it is gut-wrenchingly difficult, and I am constantly learning that you cannot second-guess when each will apply. Sometimes, when you think it should be hard, it isn’t, and vice versa.

What we originally view as strong connections can in fact prove weak, while what we view as weak connections can surprise us by proving to be incredibly robust and resilient. I am beyond guessing which is which and just trust in what holds day-by-day. Some people will say time is the test, but I argue that time can also bring wear and tear. For me, on a windy day I shall walk the bridge which stands best on a windy day, knowing that same bridge may not be the best when it is pouring with rain. To know that, I just wait until it rains. Conversely, by now I know better than to always trust the one I have used on the sunny days, even if it means building a whole new bridge. At least I can say I know how to.

Random Girl

Upheaval (is a b*tch)

Random Girl has been subject to some upheaval of late due to unforeseen circumstances surrounding my housing situation (which is my poor excuse for the long gap in writing – sorry!). The details needn’t be aired here, but let’s just say the turn of events have been unusual and difficult to fathom for this random girl. They chart a sweeping movement from good to bad – in a Skywalker kind of way even. ("Darth Vader is Luke’s father?!") So I’ve moved on at the expense of considerable time, energy and money, as well as a notable degree of disappointment.

Life can blow hot and cold. Following one of the wettest summers in Copenhagen, a sudden burst of summertime weather landed on the first day of October. It was a glorious day. I was on my way to my friend’s place (where I am to house-sit for the next month) talking small talk in broken Danish to the taxi driver about the freak late burst of heat and sunshine. Rather than running about soaking in the October sun, I got busy trying to settle in and acclimatise in that transition to new surroundings, preparing also for the moment down the line when, after the month rolls out, I’ll formally move into my new residence where I'll seek to 'settle in' yet again. I’ve always seen myself as nomadic, but even I have to admit, it’s all been a bit confusing. Starting again and again over a concentrated period of time can be wearing. On the bright side, I'm certainly getting to know the different neighbourhoods in Copenhagen…wahey.

I think I have come to that part of the experience of living somewhere new when isolation and homesickness kicks in. I have been here for four months and in that time, things kicked in pretty fast – new adventures, new friends, a new language and fresh sights and sounds. Meanwhile, I continue to face, head-on, any fears linked to my ‘random’ decision to come here in order to challenge myself. Any experience will have its good and bad sides. I’ve always been aware of that. But this is one of those accursed moments when doubt has crept in (and we all have those moments).

I feel shipwrecked and adrift after a storm that came without warning. Like I said, this recent run of events has cost me energy, time and money. It’s also cost me a little bit of hope…at least in terms of what I’m trying to get out of this year. As such, I am frustrated that I have to spend what precious energy I have, establishing my bearings again so that I can start swimming. Sure, I’ve weathered many a storm before, but having been out in some choppy open water for a while, I do feel weary. I also had my first take-down off my bike yesterday in a moderate collision with 'Simon', who was very apologetic (sorry about your ripped pocket, dude!). My hands are up...I’m in a ‘poor me’ moment and want my mommy!

For now, I’m enjoying the peace of having my friend’s place all to myself for the next little while, and the sun shining on the balcony. I’m also really enjoying the peanut M&Ms sitting brightly in a bowl next to my laptop. Here at long last is an opportunity to recoup the energy I’ve spent on this…well…rather annoying practical issue so that I can forge ahead with the things that really matter. I’m just a bit tired and, craving a group hug myself, I’m sending one to all out there who may also have hit a rough patch. If the summer sun can show up in Denmark in October, then there is hope for us all!!

Keep living, loving and laughing,

Random Girl